My youngest sister died at age 38. We received no answers from the scientific world, no autopsy report to explain it. She was just here one minute and gone the next.
A few days ago, I was thinking of her while sitting at my computer and I Google'd her name. Nothing came up. No Facebook page, no MySpace although I wished something could have. I scrolled through several pages of Google search results and then something caught my eye. Someone had posted a blog entry entitled "Deanna Dream." I clicked on it out of curiosity and started to read. It could have been any Deanna until I saw the Crabtree Valley Mall reference in the blog post. That narrowed it down to a specific geographical location. Then the blogger mentioned our last name. I knew it had to be about my sister.
In the blogger's dream, she mentions that Deanna is dead and she is aware of that. Deanna is the only one unaware that she had died. It made me very sad. It made me feel that perhaps in this dream Deanna was a lost soul, searching for friends who knew her. Perhaps she was trying to get the attention of those around her to let them know she was there.
There are many things I wish I had done differently in my relationship with her. Many things, for circumstances that are private, would have been the same regardless. I would have been more encouraging. I have learned a hard lesson about myself in this loss. I am not very forgiving, nor patient, nor tolerant, nor supportive. Once I feel wronged I no longer have the capacity for compassion.
I have always been of the belief that people can reach out even when they have left our worldly experience. This has been proven to me time and again through circumstances that have occurred that were unexplainable. My grandmother has been in contact with me spiritually, an old boyfriend has sent me a message, my dad reprimanded me through a fortune cookie, and now my sister has sent me a message through a stranger's blog.
I will pray for Deanna, that her soul finds rest, peace and the intense white light that comes with immeasurable love. I will pray for more tolerance and compassion for those around me who cannot seem to get their lives together. And I hope that the mistakes I made with my relationship with my sister will end there. And I will pray to be set free from my inability to accept people for who they are and where they are in their live's journey. Not everyone carries the same map.
Renee, if my posting caused you sorrow, I am truly sorry. I just typed what I felt, and I hope I didn't come off seeming insensitive. I would appreciate any photos of Deanna that you wouldn't mind sharing; the camera I had when we lived together disappeared...I have none except for the one I found on someone's Facebook page. Take care. ~Kel
ReplyDeleteOh no. Don't worry at all. It was as if she was reaching out to me. That's how I took it anyway. Please don't worry. I have a few pictures of her on my computer. Email me privately at renfen@charter.net and I will send some to you.
ReplyDeleteI knew your sister, we lost touch more than a decade ago, but she has always stayed in my heart. A couple of years ago I went looking for her, only to learn that I had foolishly left things too late. I sincerely regret that now. Since then I find my myself googleing her once in a while, looking for answers I guess, or trying to get a sense of who she was since I had last seen her, and finally found that same entry by myowntwin, and through it, you. There are too many things I want to say but don't have the words for, I just can't express everything I would like to about her, or the time I did get to spend with her. Please know she was, and still is, loved very dearly.
ReplyDeleteLisa